SimGeek
09-11-2005, 01:58 AM
[Received this as an email today, way too funny to not pass on.]
A Short History Of The World
Recorded human history began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the
coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
& the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the
sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes & generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
& decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get
MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead
of simply laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.
(Google shows dozens of hits for this text, so true orign unknown)
A Short History Of The World
Recorded human history began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the
coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
& the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the
sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes & generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
& decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get
MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead
of simply laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.
(Google shows dozens of hits for this text, so true orign unknown)